You may have noticed, or maybe not because I'm not that important to you, but I've been rather absent from the blogging world. I've not even really been reading the blogs I love. I'm not yet sure why, but I think it has something to do with a particular deadly sin of which I am most guilty. I covet.
I'm quite excellent at coveting. It's a large black spot in my otherwise suprememly pious soul. I started young when one of my favorite shows was Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I convinced myself at an early age so concretely, that I would one day be on that show, that I believe I have made myself quite miserable. There seems to be something of a disparity between what I think I should have and reality.
I would spend many useful hours uselessly dreaming of the homes I would have in Cannes, London, and New York (still three places I have yet to visit). I also had very expensive taste in cars. Jaguars and Bentleys were always on the list of cars I would one day own. I would also only fly on the Concord or a private jet in my dreams. I would one day be in my Park Avenue apartment about to be chauffeured to an interview with David Letterman, or maybe on Good Morning, America when I'd get a hankering for some Mediterranean sun. So, I'd hop in my jet without even packing because that would be a good excuse to go shopping. But I was also philanthropic with my vast fortune. I would give money to schools I liked for scholarships and any time anyone was on the news with some misfortune where they'd set up an account at a local bank for the community to help out, I'd anonymously donate some outrageous amount.I'm saying this as if it were all in the past. But I gotta be honest. I'm still daydreaming.
My tastes have changed somewhat, but they still run to the out-of-reach.
So, what does this have to do with not blogging? Well, my coveting does not stop at the rather vague and distant world of the rich and famous. I covet many of the ways of those who are close by and not so rich nor famous. Here are some persons who I love whose blogs I love to read --and why or what I covet:
Fashion Sense
Acting Chops
Handling Mormon Domesticity with Wry-ness...oh, and a nice new house
Cleverness in Writing, Acting, Directing
Coolness
Overall Lifestyle Style
And I'm trying to overcome this covetousness and be ok with, well, me. You see, way back in the third grade, I moved to a new school and suddenly was a nyerd which was baffling to me. So I, naturally, asked a nice popular girl, "Will you make me popular?" (I must have said that in an unconscious effort to solidify my nyerd status.) I think ever since then, my life has been painfully focussed on fitting in with the cool crowd. Although what I deem makes someone "cool" has changed, I find myself reeking with desperation in my attempts to justify and further my associations. I really want to be done with that. So, I'm back to blogging and this time around my posts are going to be me laid bare. No artifices. No pleas for acceptance.
Anyone still reading?
I hope so...
6 comments:
Oh Sister I am here. And I covet your three children. Three children! You lucky duck. But also, thanks for the mention. And for keeping it real.
I haven't ever seen this side of you. You are much confuse me. I must just not be the best reader of peoples. I have always seen you as your own person.
I feel like a nyerd all the time! We nyerds should stick together. And I'm working on the whole covet thing, too. I'm pretty good at it. (Coveting, not working on it.)
Thank you for the chops props - you are fabulous, and I'm so glad you've returned to blogland!
As horrible as this may sound to everyone out there in blogland... its almost nice to see my Perfect Sister has a chink in her otherwise, well, perfect self. Daydreams aren't bad in and of themselves, they are what keep us striving and reaching I believe. It just can't be all you do, and that is a big thing I'm trying to work on as well.
My sister's soul laid bare... this could be very interesting indeed. I love you very much and I want you to have all your dreams, but I don't want you to be miserable without them. CJane is right and I think you have a good perspective most of the time. Don't beat yourself up too much. Nubs.
I'm still here! I understand what you mean and I think it's fantastic that you can be so honest about it! I'm trying to be more myself and more honest about who that person is, ugly and beautiful. I think that's one of the best ways to improve the ugly bits... though what you might see as bad others may find beautiful. I think you're beautiful.
Thanks all!
Post a Comment