Or at least what I perceive as my former self...
Last week I was doing sealings in the temple and there was another couple helping out. They were younger than me. Probably Zoobies. Our sealer had issues with foreign name pronunciation as most Provo Temple sealers do, bless their hearts. Every new name would bring a stiffled giggle from the Zoobies. They were not cruel. They were just enjoying the experience and each others' company. They were light hearted, but not light minded. (At least that's my perception.)
I think I was like that once. I mentioned in a previous posting that I was once a romantic, but now consider myself a realist. What's more is that I think that I am very literal. As I noticed the bright couple, I had to look at myself in the mirror because I thought that I might have a scowl on my face. I suddenly panicked that I used to be carefree and joyful, but that now I'm not. I used to make people laugh. Now I don't even talk to people any more than I have to because I have "too much stuff to do." This is not the way I want to be. But I think I'm having a hard time extricating myself from this "gotta do more, gotta be more" mode in which I've entrenched myself. Plus I've seen and I've read about a lot of crap that goes on in this world. From injustices and pettiness in the Church Office Building to Pres. Mugabe's corruption and tyranny. I think I've allowed them to weigh down my soul.
What about just living? What about being an optimist? What about dreams? What about dreams coming true? But what about racism, pornography, child abuse, poverty, unpunished sexual predators, war, disease?
I'm distressed. And I want to be joyful.
I'm burdened with cares that are not my own. But we're supposed to bear one another's burdens.
I am blessed. But I don't feel like I reflect that.
I have put away my child self and I want her back!
6 comments:
I feel your pain. For I too have problems coping with the injustices of the world, especially against the innocence of children.
I used to think of myself as a realist too, but soon confronted the fact that I had a negative outlook on life most of the time. This did not mean that I was necessarily being realistic.
I don't know if it takes a traumatic experience to change your total outlook on life or perhaps it is just the wisdom we gain through life experiences associated with the aging process.
I know that after I was "downsized" several years ago, I felt the world was coming to an end for me. Then I came to realize that I could adjust, that the things I thought important (like working 12-16 hours a day)to be successful weren't at all. I had to dig deep with in and then recalled the sage advise of a great Prophet, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home". Suddenly, I was able to move on, look at things differently and change my disposition.
Now I certainly try not to take too many things seriously. In that I mean, I do not want anything or anyone to have control over my emotions. I now find more comfort in my family and gathered my focus on important family matters.
I hope you are able to cope with your present self and to find inner peace. Do what you can to help those closest to you, but know you can't get caught up mourning over all the evil of the world for it will drag you down.
You seem joyful--you don't scowl. Buck up. Let's buy some high heels to wear with our levis which we will wear while we read and care about current events. Balance.
Thanks both. I needed to purge and be heard.
You can still make me laugh, Sweetie. I, too, am working on purging the negative that I have allowed to take over. I have become lazy in thought replacement, and have let myself succomb to the excuses of being too tired, too stressed, too busy, and too old to do anything about my outlook. Now I am attempting to change things.
We will overcome!
Nub moo,
Leelee
Define "Zoobie"?
A cute college student attending BYU.
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